Snowflakes

Looking outside through my laboratory window, I can see pretty snowflakes floating in the air, and slowly descending down. The beginning of this week brought a very bad weather. It was cold, snowy, and worst of all windy, as if the winter before going away took a step back. However, this particular snowy day brought with it back the memory of my first snow.

It was some work day, but I went late to the work. I was getting the internet connection at my flat. It was drizzling, and I noticed some small droplets of ice falling along. And though Blaž said they are just frozen droplets, it could not discourage me. I was secretly hoping for those droplets to turn into pretty flakes. And it did start snowing. Slowly those frozen droplets turned to soft cottony pretty flakes. And it was snowing!!! A thin white layer was covering the brown roofs and road below. And I reached out to catch a pretty one. My heart was singing happily. My first snow!

On the way to the bus stand, I was making footsteps on the little path through the park. I liked the snowflakes falling on my coat, my hat, and then one fell on my nose tip. I didn’t use the umbrella. Somehow I was wishing to catch all of them. I looked at them, my eyes shining happily and full of wonder. The child in me just smiled looking at this wonder of nature. How every snowflake had a different pattern! I wondered how the droplets of water formed those pretty hexagonal structures. I wondered and questioned like a child would. I looked with awe as I saw the city turning white.

The snowflakes danced in the wind, and my heart danced with it. How could I concentrate on work? Every minute I was looking out of the window, the snow had become thicker and heavier! The snowflakes were floating, dancing, making a whirlwind. It was one of the prettiest sights I had ever seen. Everything freshly covered with the pristine white looked like a fairy tale. The trees were covered with snow, and it was a nice combination of white, green and brown. The lamp posts had caps on them. Sidewalks were white with only footsteps barely visible. I liked the munching sound of snow beneath as I walked.

I wished to run around in the park now snowy. The green wooden benches were white. We decided to be a baby, built a snowman instead of taking the earliest bus. And there I started making my first snowman. It was an ecstatic feeling rolling piles of snow and see the first snowman take its form. I neglected my hands almost freezing. We laughed like babies, singing merry songs. Two dry sticks made the hands, and with a bit of difficulty the head was on. And behold, there was our snowman smiling at us!!

I was so excited, and had to call home soon after I was back in the evening. I had to tell my first snow experience. The whole evening I was only talking about the snow and how I feel about it. And the excitement was not yet over. At night, we decided to take a snowy night walk.

Something that I had dreamt for long was turning into a reality. A snowy day and a romantic night walk in the snow. I remember how two years ago I saw the snowy video, and wished to experience it so much. And finally we were there holding hands and walking together in that snowy night. There was no one else, and the only sound was those of the falling snow. It was all silent and dark night; yet very bright as street light was reflected by the snow, and the sound of falling snowflakes gave a certain sense of peace and calmness to the silence. It was not lonely silence, it was happy and warm. We walked down some small hilly meadow. We did not take the road and let our feet sink in the snow. Crossing the highway we went to the other side, towards the fields. And there we were just standing, holding hands, feeling the silence, the warmth. It gave a feeling of completeness. As if all questions were answered, all wishes granted. We just stood there letting the happiness, love, silence, warmth, and beauty seep deep inside out hearts.

We explored the fields and ditches a bit. And I wished to lie down on the snow. Looking up at the sky, I let the flakes fall on me, on my face. Every moment I enjoyed feeling a single snowflake touching my skin, every moment I remember.

It was pretty under the street lights when I could see the snowflakes dancing. The little posts of the fences had caps on them, and so had the lamp posts, electric poles. The wire fence had a layer of snow on each wire, making a snowy mesh. Trees all white were glowing in the orangish lamp lights.

And how much I try to explain what I felt that day, and put into words the thoughts going through my mind, I am not able to. I can only say it was wonder, pretty, dream like, romantic, warm, merry.. And I can use rows of adjectives but yet without expressing my emotions. I only can say that my heart was happy, fluttering and singing. It skipped a bit, and made a hop, and said: Dear girl, for a day like this, I can beat one day more!!

I am life's dream

I am born as life's dream.

My shining eyes are to bring smile to others. My gentle footsteps that run around in your house brings all life, makes it lively. My smile without a reason, my meaningless talks. I am my parents’ dreams. I try to dress up like my mother, to be like her. I am the princess, my father’s doll. I play with dolls, and I try to cook. I try to do everything that I see you do. I care for my little brother. I play with him all those games that have no sense. I draw, I bring colors. I read in a quest of knowing the world. My big eyes look up at the sky wondering, and one day I wish to fly in the vast blue. I lose myself on the wings of a butterfly. I climb up the trees and spoil my dress. And so carefully I dress up my doll. I try to be good. And I argue. I care for you. But I don’t silently accept if you hurt me, and I answer back. I study, be good in school. One day I wish to make my name in this world. I love, I care, I give and share, but when time comes I also know how to snatch. I grow up, but I don’t leave my dreams behind. I see a bigger world. I take my responsibilities. I can now be your support. And will always need your support. I do what I wished to do in life. I make my life, I take my own decisions. I am confused, I am afraid. Yet I am positive, optimistic. I have faith, so much impossible it may be. I am capable of doing something just for my heart. And also my mind rules. I make the bread, and I earn it too. I evolve, but I still remain life’s dream.

I leave my playhouse behind to make it a reality. I make your house my home. I give you all my love, and wish only love in return. I work whole day like you, but I am never tired to come home and cook for you. But, when one day you cook for me, I can’t stop smiling the whole day. I share your dreams, and even your worries. Your responsibilities I think as my own. As road takes a turn I leave its hand, I would rather stay and turn with you. I am strong and fragile. I am your support and inspiration. And there are times, when I break down, the only thing I need then is your hand. I fight for you and I fight with you. And the next moment I am hugging you back. But I don’t only remain by you silently. I have my dreams, and I work for them. I give you my dreams; I wish you dream with me. And sometimes I wish to be left alone. I make my own steps in life, but I don’t move so far that I will leave you behind. You make me complete, you are my other half. And at the same time, when you search for the lost half of your soul, you come to me. You know you need me to be complete. When I say I belong to you, I wish you belong to me the same way. I turn all yours and mine into ours. I become yours, but I still remain life’s dream.

And like I was my parents’ dream, I now paint those dreams in your eyes. I leave my heart and life in you, when I make you touch life. I feed you first before I eat. I keep you away from all things bad. And when you don’t do what is right, I am not hesitant to be harsh. When you are ill, I am awake all night. I answer all the questions you have. I am where you hide when the day was bad. Afraid at night when you scream in your sleep, I run to you, hold you to my heart. And unless you are at peace and safe, I don’t let sleep touch my eyes. I understand your silence, I understand your pain; I understand when your eyes sparkle with joy. And even though you are my dream, I let you dream with your own eyes. I am there by you when you win the race. But if you fall on the way, I don’t run to pick you up; I stand by and let you grow. Yet, every moment with love and care, I walk by you and show you life. So one day, when you are on your own, you will know how to fly. And then one day, I let you go. I know you are now ready for the world. But somehow, I always stay there, so that you can return for a hug. And when I need a hug on some lonely day, I am there looking at your way. And there, I see you come. Along the way I have given you my dreams, but still I remain life’s dream.

I am a baby, a daughter, a girl, a sister, a granddaughter, a student, a friend, a lady, a lover, a careerist, a boss, a wife, a daughter-in-law, a mother, a grandmother, a princess, a home, a support, a hope, a stranger, a dream, a woman. And in all these I leave pieces of my dreams, dreaming to see a complete collage. I am life’s dream...

Lost home

Our home in Kolkata is at a place which was till date relatively green. There are many vacant plots around waiting for houses to be built. Though we knew someday there will be houses everywhere, we were enjoying the green. Trees and bushes don’t know that they are limited by human actions, and were growing freely; whereas various animals had made their homes there.

This vacant plot of land behind our house had two big trees and many bushes, some even growing human size. Looking at this green gave the feeling of being close to some wilderness. A variety of birds had built their nests on those trees, and small animals made those bushes, holes in the ground their home. In the morning it was soothing to look at the green, enjoy the chirping of the birds. It was a paradise for common birds like crows, sparrows, shalik, to different kinds of kingfishers, woodpeckers, doves, kadakhocha, badrika, bou-katha-ka, parrots, bulbul, finge and many more. You would suddenly see a mongoose running by, and it was fun watching the squirrels eating nuts sitting on our back fence. Cuckoos used to sing declaring the spring time. And it was a real delight to watch the birds returning home as dusk would approach. Birds in flocks would come back to the safe shelter of their nests, chirping, telling their stories and adventures of the day to each other, creating one of the most beautiful music. This piece of green for us provided a soothing lap of Mother Nature.

And this January, when we were in India, this piece of green was snatched away in the preparation of turning it into concrete. Even though we already saw it coming, it made us sad no less. The original owner finally sold the plot, and the new owner is already building his house. And the first thing done was clearing the plot, cutting down those trees..

One morning we got up to see axes striking the thick trunks of those trees. And at the end of the day, those two big trees were there lying as pieces of wood. The green land was turned into a barren one with only some roots of those bushes and grasses visible. And soon it will turn into some modern house.

As the birds returned that evening, they didn’t find their nests. The trees were lying down as pieces on ground; and their homes, where they returned to, were gone. The mongoose didn’t know anymore where to hide. The chirping of the birds that evening didn’t tell their stories, it was of despair. It didn’t make music; it was only their cries for their lost home. Each single piece of straw they had picked for days to build their nests; and now brick by brick someone else’s home will come up there. Till late in the evening, they complained, they searched for in vain. And helplessly they finally gave in. They were gone! Nature forever turned its face away from there. No birds will be there to make music anymore. No cuckoo will ever sign there again, as there will be no crow nest to lay its egg.

And we will never realize that we are building the foundation of our home on shattered homes of others.

What is in the air??

And I wonder what is in the air. One may think why I am asking this question! When I feel the approaching festivity in the air, I wonder, what is in the air!!

It was 24th December this year, the day before Christmas. After waking up, while getting ready for work, my mood was a mixture of happy and brooding. Happy as it will be Christmas Eve, and Christmas the next day, holidays, time for festivity, good food, and nice time with everyone. And brooding because I had to go to work, and the weather forecast was for rain, and the nice snow from previous week had already melted.

But when I came out of the house to go to work, my gray mood was completely gone. I smelled the crisp air, and felt the chill in it, and wondered myself, “what is in the air”!!

Before the Durga Puja in Bengal, the day of Mahalaya marks the beginning of the festivity. And each year, on this particular morning, when I stand under the sky, the soft warmth of the sun and the fresh smell in the air reminds me that it is the beginning of the festivity. And now, kilometers away from Bengal, and for some other festival, the Christmas, I felt the same thing in the air.

It is interesting as Kolkata and Ljubljana are two completely different cities, with no similarity in climatic conditions. Moreover Durga Puja is a festival of autumn, and Christmas is in winter. Normally I wouldn’t expect a winter morning in Ljubljana to be same as one autumn morning in Kolkata. But it was exactly the same, announcing the festivity.

I felt the festivity in the air. It was crisp chilly. The sun was soft; and though not warm in temperature, the light was warm. I could smell the air, and the smell of nature. I smelt the dewdrops and the wet earth, the grass. I heard the happy chirping of the birds. I saw the sunrays visible in the mist. I saw the floating clouds, and the blue window of the sky peeping behind the clouds. I stopped for a moment and closed my eyes, to feel the air, to feel the nature. I took a deep breath and felt the happiness. I let the happiness seep deep inside me.

And once again I realized, whatever festival it is, wherever on the earth it is, it brings the same air.. And I wonder.. “What is in the air”….

22nd December!!

It was 22nd December yesterday! My birthday!! A very special day for me, as it has always been, and will always be. A day of celebration and gifts, a day when everything is special. A day, when I am treated as the special pampered princess! And on a serious note, it is also a day to reflect back, rediscover self.

I was barely able to wait for the clock to strike midnight, (and I was looking at the clock which I know is 5 minutes faster), so that I can finally open my cards, letters, gifts.. And start celebrating! And as both the hands of the clock reach exactly 12, somehow the “birthday” mood turns on :) Therefore, though it was a cloudy rainy day outside, the melting snow and cold making the roads slippery and icy, it couldn’t affect my mood, and I was so happy. It was one of those days when I feel happy and bubbly without any reason. Well, this time though there was a good reason! It was my birthday! A day, when I burst with energy to do something, to run down the green valleys (or snowy valleys as is the case now), stop to pick a gentle wild flower, smile a lot without any reason, rediscovering the child in me, admiring life. I was simply so happy!

Hm.. So how old am I now? As I was thinking, I got confused. Did I turn one year younger or older? The calendar said older. The smile on my face when I saw the balloons, and cutey cute ‘Maya’ bee, it said I turned younger. Not just one, but several years!! The balloons in red, orange, green, blue, yellow, and pink colors, all tied in a bunch with red string made my room colorful and cheerful, my heart too. Uff, I loved playing with them, and after so many many years. It felt like rediscovering the little girl who would love the red gas-balloons, the balloons with black “Happy Birthday” on it, and the girl who cried and cried when her big green balloon had burst. And the little bee with the buzzing sound reminded me of all the little unimportant things that make life as beautiful as it is.

I loved the letters and cards from far away India. And though, like all other times, they had written on them the same sentences: “what else to say, we talk every day, and will be seeing you soon”, they made me smile. They brought with them my parents’ love and blessings, and the teasing love of my lil bhai :) And I loved that though I was here far away from them, the yummy ‘payesh’ was still made!

I loved the coconut cake. And the ‘cofki’. But more than the food, I loved the fact that it was cooked because I love new interesting food. And already solved 3 of the Sudoku puzzles the moment I got the books! But I don’t know how I am going to eat the cute chocolate in shape of a puppy, though I am so tempted to do so. It is sooo cute, now sitting on my desk in a basket.

I loved ordering all the starters (ok, almost all) available in the Mexican restaurant. And liked walking around in the festive city center decorated with Holiday lights!

I liked and loved everything about the day.. Like all other birthdays, whatever I did, however it was; it made me happy. So, as I turn yet another page of life, I am ready to write and read it with the same admiration and enthusiasm. How I write today will make the page wonderful reading years later.. And I am all eager to write this new page holding the hand of life…

And I Write..

I am always talking. Either it is that I am talking to someone, or I am talking to myself. Like effervescence, these thoughts are always coming and going. From smallest things like what I did today, to some deep thoughts, I am always full of words, that just want to be said.. Sometimes I pen them down, in a mail, letter, or post in a forum, simply say it, and speak out my mind. And people, who know me, know that I can talk the same thing several times, or write about it more than once, even knowing that I have said it before. Somehow I talk a lot. And in all these words, I realize, it is all an effort to keep my moments safe. I repeat these moments, however small, cherished or not, over and over in my mind, and try to somehow preserve them. I do not wish these moments to get lost in the oblivion of time.

And along with talking all the time, I like writing. Writing just what is in my mind. And I would like to write down the moments also, just whatever, whatever is in my mind. But alas, I can’t write a diary; I need someone to read them, even if it is only one person.

Many times I have thought of blogging, but was never successful in starting or continuing it. I guess it was my lack of enthusiasm and effort. I can talk easily, write long mails, but when it comes to writing which I don’t know if one will read or not, I feel so lazy. But now with so many things happening in the past year, I have realized I need to write them down; even when no one is reading. Too many things are happening and at a very fast pace. It is not possible to treasure everything only in memories. And I am so afraid that I will lose a cherished moment forever like this. And so I decided to write, for myself, to keep my moments safe. And after days or years when I will reflect back, I will be able see a beautiful and colorful collage of these moments…